Sorry for the lack of recent material, the Silver Spoonman has been kinda busy with a multitude of things lately. I hope the following entertains you…
When the weather outside is anything but frightful, and your job is quite the opposite of delightful, funny things can ensue. Today I reflect on a conversation had between myself and Denny Crane on a spring afternoon where the last place we wanted to be was in front of our computers. As many of our conversations do, this one started out with a hypothetical challenge/dare that, if accepted, would result in being freed from the confinement of the workplace. It then proceeded to become a fantastic idea for a movie (working title “Killgame”). Enjoy the genius of the work-confined mind (it might help if you were on a substance or two)…
Note: In case it wasn’t blatantly obvious, anything in brackets is what I went back and added but the rest is from the time of the conversation.
3:33 PM Silver Spoonman: would you let mike tyson punch you in the face if it meant you could quit your job and play golf every day the rest of your life?
and if so
how many times?
3:34 PM Denny Crane: does he have a boxing glove on? do i have headgear on? what are my assurances that his punch won't do long-term damage?
3:35 PM because, much as i like my toes [we have another hypothetical where you are offered 100 million bucks (tax free) to let someone take a swipe at your toes with an axe], and my penis, my brain and face are my two favorite parts of myself, in that order.
3:36 PM Silver Spoonman: bareknuckled
no headgear
no assurances
3:37 PM Denny Crane: then no. he could kill me.
Denny Crane: it's like saying would you run across one end of a football field with someone on the other end firing a 9 mm at you?
3:38 PM it just sounds more appealing because you've likely been punched, but likely have not been shot at.
Silver Spoonman: what if it was a jaw shot
Denny Crane: jaw shot. hmmm...
3:39 PM its very, very unlikely that he would shatter my jaw so as to make it impossible for me to eat. at least from what i understand. so in that case, i'd take one pop.
also, is this mt in his prime or mt in his current pigeon-calling state?
Silver Spoonman: eh, i say prime
i think i do the jaw shot
3:40 PM you can make a full recovery from the jaw shot
Denny Crane: yeah, in almost all instances i think that's right
Silver Spoonman: i'm glad we settled that
oh and the "what you get" changed a bit too
you get 150k per year for the rest of your life and free golf anywhere
3:41 PM Denny Crane: my answer is the same.
Silver Spoonman: agreed
3:46 PM Denny Crane: alright, different variation on the same question. suppose there is a forest in the world somewhere, populated only by animals in the top 4 seeds in animal kingdom madness [Animal Kingdom Madness is a 65-“team” tournament between members of the Animal Kingdom (similar to March Madness). I will post the details soon for anyone who has not seen it to read]. you will be rewarded with the lifetime salary and free golf should you manage to outlast your peers in said forest with nothing but a first aid kit, booze/weed/pills for pain, and a hunting knife. how many nights are you willing to stay in the woods?
Silver Spoonman: hahahaha
wow
3:47 PM Denny Crane: see, the trick is, the pain management tools are all detrimental to one's ability to stay alive in that situation because they decrease performance.
Silver Spoonman: i mean
do i have to kill tiger/lion/elephant/rhino in order to eat?
3:48 PM do i have water?
3:49 PM Denny Crane: yes, you have to kill those animals to eat. you have no safe water; there is fresh running water in a creek somewhere in the forest, but you don't know where it is.
you'd have to go look for it.
Silver Spoonman: crap
Denny Crane: plus, there's only one creek, meaning the animals are also going to need to use that creek.
Silver Spoonman: yikes
um
how long can humans last without water?
3:50 PM Denny Crane: i think around 7-14 days depending...
Silver Spoonman: ok
this creek
how open is it?
Denny Crane: but you lose strength fast if you don't have it.
Silver Spoonman: and how close is the nearest climbable tree
3:51 PM Denny Crane: hmmm...it's in the woods. so its surrounded by trees. whether they're climbable or not depends on how well you pick your surroundings, but there are climbable trees on its banks.
the hippos, naturally, live in the creek.
Silver Spoonman: no they don't
3:52 PM Denny Crane: how on earth can they not live in the creek? they're amphibious?!
Silver Spoonman: the top 4 seeds are rhino/elephant/lion/tiger
there are no hippos in this forest
Denny Crane: oh oh, i meant 1-4 in each part of the bracket [just use the proper terminology you fucking big shot lawyer, 1-4 in each REGION you ass-tickler]. but we can restrict it to those 4 particular animals should you wish.
Silver Spoonman: holy crap
3:53 PM if you let in 1-4 in each region
then my plan that was materializing is totally fucked
my plan was going to be this
Denny Crane: you'd just climb a tree near the creek
Silver Spoonman: yes
Denny Crane: b/c 1-4 can't climb trees
but the black bear can.
Silver Spoonman: and stay up in the tree until i needed water
and at that point
3:54 PM i would decide whether or not to risk getting water and reclimbing
since i don't have a water bottle
i would probably not risk it since i'd have to drink down there
so
i would stay for 7-14 days
however
if you let in 1-4 in each region
that brings in bears
and jaguars
and leopards
all of which can climb trees
3:55 PM so then i'd fucking never go into this forest
without other supplies
like guns
and lights
and a car
[or maybe if I had a boat]
Denny Crane: see, i think the answer depends on one thing
Silver Spoonman: black mamba [the snake, not Kobe Bryant] is in if you let in top 16
Denny Crane: do you feel confident that you could start a fire with your knife before the first nightfall?
3:56 PM because if you could, then you're cream cheese.
if you can't, then fuck you, you're dead.
Silver Spoonman: oh man, top 16 lets in crocodile too
which has to be in the water
Denny Crane: yep
Silver Spoonman: why am i dead if i can't start a fire?
3:57 PM Denny Crane: because there's no way you see black mamba at night, or jaguar...
but if you can start a fire, you can surround yourself with a fire.
Silver Spoonman: good call
but
3:58 PM that would only keep the animals away for so long
once they get hungry
you are fucking toast
Denny Crane: i dunno. animals hate fire.
fire is what separates us from them [well that and higher intelligence and opposable thumbs and I think maybe a few other things too but who’s counting].
in this case, literally.
3:59 PM Silver Spoonman: yeah but a bunch of hungry animals
they do desperate things
you'd need to keep the fire running at all times
and it would have to be huge enough that they couldn't jump over it
where you gonna get all that wood?
4:00 PM by the way
this would be an AWESOME movie
Denny Crane: i mean, i'm not saying this isn't a pressure situation. the best thing would be to find a cave and kill whatever animals were inside, and then start a fire at the entrance(s).
holy crap yeah
Silver Spoonman: hahahahahahaha
4:01 PM thank you Denny Crane for getting me through the 3:00 hour
Denny Crane: glad to help. glad to help.
Silver Spoonman: if we made this into a movie
i think it would be better if the people can work together
4:02 PM otherwise they really have no chance in my opinion
also
fyi, if we let in 1-16, bruce lee sneaks into this forest [Animal Kingdom Madness included a few human participants, the highest ranked of those was Bruce Lee]
Denny Crane: there'd be the tender, heartfelt scene where dude leaves his wife to enter the competition. "honey, i know you're scared, but i'm just really in love with being lazy and playing golf, and i'm really amped about the opportunity to do both things for the rest of my life without repercussions."
4:03 PM dude, that's the best part. dozens and dozens of dangerous animals, plus one crazed, zombified bruce lee.
Silver Spoonman: jesus
this movie does not end well for the contestants
b/c
at the beginning, they're all on their own, striving for the true american dream
but about 3 days into it, they realize, holy fucking shit, this is going to be the end of all our lives
4:04 PM and they band together to try to stay alive
bu the problem is
they fucking can't
does zombie bruce lee turn the animals into zombie versions of themselves?
Denny Crane: i think not. i think bruce is, like, zombified only in terms of coming back to life. you don't have to take his head off to kill him again, you can just kill him normally.
like in the tourney.
Silver Spoonman: this might need to be a blog post [in fact, it did need to be one, and now it is]
4:05 PM Denny Crane: change the names to protect the innocent.
and guilty.
Silver Spoonman: right
i can get behind a non-zombie bruce lee
so is bruce lee trying to kill the contestants or just surviving like they are?
b/c to be honest, if bruce lee is on my side, that changes things big time
4:06 PM Denny Crane: yeah, i mean, the competitors get all demoralized once they come up with this great plan, and the first guy heads out on the initial leg, and they're all waiting, and they hear "waaaaaa!" and then see the guy's liver flying through the air with a bruce lee bite taken out of it (if you haven't figured out, my answer to your question is bruce is trying to kill them)
Silver Spoonman: hahahaha
ok
i love this storyline, we can build on this
Denny Crane: then they all get the voice that kyle gets on south park when he realizes that cartman has won..."you unbelievable bastard."
4:07 PM Silver Spoonman: the rock [Dwayne Johnson] is in this movie right?
he's either the lone survivor at the end, or the last man to die saving the hot chick
4:08 PM or maybe there aren't any chicks in this movie [that was a horrible idea that I apologize for even thinking about having]
Denny Crane: lets cast this movie
Silver Spoonman: dwayne johnson in right?
Denny Crane: yes
Silver Spoonman: mos def
Denny Crane: paul rudd for comic relief
Silver Spoonman: mos def has intimate knowledge of all the animals
4:09 PM he's like a dorky discovery channel dude [who obviously watches the discovery channel because of all the pot that he smokes]
Denny Crane: ok i'm behind that
Silver Spoonman: paul rudd, love it
paul rudd has to last for most of the movie for hilarity's sake
Denny Crane: need some evil dude to bankroll the contest. i nominate either timothy dalton or the guy that played shooter mcgavin.
Silver Spoonman: definitely shooter mcgavin
4:10 PM he should have an evil female partner
i'm thinking pamela landy [Joan Allen] from the bourne movies
Denny Crane: i like it.
Silver Spoonman: also the bad lady from death race
Denny Crane: i think we can get her.
Silver Spoonman: are there chick competitors?
4:11 PM Denny Crane: i think there's one or two. a preppy chick that loves golf (jenna fisher?) and some sassy ethnic chick who dies first (michelle rodriguez?)
Silver Spoonman: fucking a
i was just waiting to submit michelle rodriguez
4:12 PM Denny Crane: great minds
Silver Spoonman: i could see jessica
we need a first class meathead
Denny Crane: you need a d-bag contestant. the same sort of character as mcclain's new boyfriend in die hard or the dickhead in shaun of the dead.
Silver Spoonman: that too
Denny Crane: you know, the one you're waiting to see die at the hands of a leopard.
Silver Spoonman: like total arrogant asshole
Denny Crane: yeah.
4:13 PM Silver Spoonman: hmmm
Denny Crane: and then you also need an older dude, wise, who you're upset to see go.
Silver Spoonman: yep
christopher walken
4:14 PM Denny Crane: ahahahahahahahhahahaahaha. walken would also be good for the rich villain.
Silver Spoonman: truth
the arrogant prick is tough
b/c
it has to be someone relatively unknown i think
4:15 PM Denny Crane: you could bring back johnny
Silver Spoonman: or
we could go opposite that
and channel ed norton's inner italian job
Denny Crane: problem with norton is, doesn't he upstage our main hero (presumably rock)?
4:16 PM Silver Spoonman: maybe
or
Denny Crane: he's the best actor of the bunch we've mentioned so far.
Silver Spoonman: we could drop the rock
take stone cold as the meathead
and someone like marky mark as the hero
Denny Crane: or damon
Silver Spoonman: yes
damon
i love me some damon
and we could of course have an affleck cameo at that point
Denny Crane: i think we can get matt damon on board.
4:17 PM we need a dude with an accent.
Silver Spoonman: yeah most likely
good call
i think we need an australian
Denny Crane: you could go with jackman as the dickhead.
Silver Spoonman: yeah i like that
thats good
australian dickhead
Denny Crane: and bale as damon's rival, who teams up with him in the end.
4:18 PM Silver Spoonman: yeah that could work
Denny Crane: when they firefight with the rhino, lion, and bruce lee.
to the death.
Silver Spoonman: hahaha
i'm kindof imagining a predator meets lost at the moment
with a little where the wild things are thrown in
in terms of the general feel of the jungle
4:20 PM Denny Crane: yeah, i mean, you have to be careful, you don't want this to be anaconda (speaking of, though, jon voight is a good thought for the old dude). you want it to almost have an edgar allan poe feel.
Silver Spoonman: haha
Denny Crane: equal parts terror and suspense.
Silver Spoonman: should we include a martial arts guy to die at the hands/feet of bruce lee?
4:21 PM Denny Crane: isn't that stone cold's job? i mean, for someone more athletic, we could go with cena, but he looks so much like damon that's probably bad casting.
Silver Spoonman: yeah agreed
stone cold works there
what would really be great
4:22 PM is if stone cold could like take out an animal by crushing its skull
and be very pleased with himself (who wouldn't) and then have bruce lee roundhouse kick his head off or something
4:23 PM Denny Crane: yeah, like, he celebrates with the booze (which, remember, all of these people have), and damon and the old guy are warning him to lay off, and he wanders off, and then wham! roundhouse.
Silver Spoonman: haha, perfect
maybe even get a "ain't got time to bleed" level of awesomeness quote in there somehow
Denny Crane: oh, he's definitely going to be channeling some jesse the body in predator with his character.
Silver Spoonman: fo sho
i think we've really got something here
we'll need to hash out some of the details
4:24 PM around copius amounts of booze
The conversation moves away from Killgame for a short bit here, if you are uninterested in quite meaningful asides, skip this section.
speaking of booze
i talked to [guy who hasn't chosen his codename yet] the other night
Denny Crane: how's he doing?
Silver Spoonman: he's good
Denny Crane: i'm at work, remember
Silver Spoonman: he's moving into a place with [some friends] in [nova locale]
Denny Crane: wow, that's awesome
Silver Spoonman: yeah
work schmork
4:25 PM Denny Crane: good point
Silver Spoonman: its only your livelihood in a bad economic time
not that important
Denny Crane: not to mention the career i've worked my whole life for, and the only one for which my god-given gifts are suited.
yeah, who cares about that?
Silver Spoonman: seriously
4:26 PM what you need to do
is stop being such a debbie downer
And we’re back…
i feel like we need a 3rd female contestant
maybe a husband/wife team?
not big characters
4:27 PM the wife gets killed and the husband goes crazily after her murderer, only to get stomped out by a crazy elephant or something
Denny Crane: yeah, or brothers...same thing
brother/sister even
4:28 PM Silver Spoonman: yeah that works
Denny Crane: some weird triangle, sister falls for dude, brother is jealous, sister dies, brother goes crazy, other dude tries to hold him back, can't, brother gets gored by rhino.
Silver Spoonman: hahaha, poetic
4:29 PM if there's one message we want to send
its that emotion leads to rhino goring
almost always
Denny Crane: i mean, i know we're talking about a blockbuster here. that much is a given
but these deeper messages make me think that, with a bit of effort from us and a strong showing from the actors, we could be talking oscar.
Silver Spoonman: multiple oscars
Denny Crane: seriously. why sell ourselves short?
Silver Spoonman: i see no reason to do so
4:30 PM Denny Crane: this is the citizen kane of animal-on-human violence.
it's a strong message, a warning to society even. don't fuck with wild animals. they'll kill you.
Silver Spoonman: exactly
i'm not sold on christopher walken as the wily veteran
4:31 PM Denny Crane: yeah, i think we can do better.
brian cox is an awesome actor, but he's too fat.
Silver Spoonman: my image right now is of the old guy from the first survivor crossed with john locke
4:32 PM maybe even a younger morgan freeman could've pulled it off, but too old these days
Denny Crane: oh, man, for the villain, clearly
4:33 PM Silver Spoonman: nice
Denny Crane: and, back to old guy...hmm...carl weathers?
Silver Spoonman: eh
4:35 PM if all else fails we could go sean connery
whatabout alan grant from jurassic park
is he old enough?
4:36 PM and the old guy is in the competition on his son's behalf or something
b/c obviously he doesn't care about golf and money for the rest of his life
4:37 PM Denny Crane: oh man. i've got it.
you're gonna love this.
two words.
dick.
lebeau.
acting debut.
Silver Spoonman: hahahaha
fucking brilliant
perfect
just perfect
so we'll have to schedule shooting to begin right after the steelers win a superbowl
4:40 PM Denny Crane: i mean, there are tons of steelers i would cast to be in this movie. polamalu is begging to be in it. i'd like
Silver Spoonman: hahah, right
makes sense
how sweet tho
would it be to have silverback [James Harrison’s nickname] facing off against a silverback
sweet jesus
4:41 PM Denny Crane: oh man. incredible.
Silver Spoonman: ok
i think
on that note
i'm going to call it quits for the day
4:42 PM that was definitely a lot more fun than i would have otherwise had in the last 2 hours of my work day
4:43 PM Denny Crane: indeed.
and productive, now that we're going to be millionaire filmmakers.
Silver Spoonman: fo real real
how ironic
4:44 PM that we will accomplish the lazy and golf-ridden lifestyle, through making this film, that the competitors are trying so justly to capture
Denny Crane: and isn't that the american dream that the competition is meant to evoke in the first place?
Silver Spoonman: yes
yes it is
4:47 PM aight man, have a good one
4:48 PM Denny Crane: later boss.
And thus ends the first round of the planning stages for Killgame, a surefire bet to be best picture in the near future. Screen play to be coming soon (and by soon I mean probably never). Lessons learned today? Animals will kill you and you can't stop them and too much emotion leads to rhino goring. Important lessons for sure. I hope you all are smarter now.
