Awesome Redneck Moment

I have been known to wear a mustache every now and then. The thing about mustaches is that they are fucking god-damned awesome. They attract attention, command respect, harness the power of great American Heroes, and when you grow them, simply put, you are fucking badass.

With that said, my softball team is set to play game number 2 tomorrow evening. After a heartbreaking 6-5 loss in the dark/rain in game 1, I decided we needed a little extra oomph for this game. What better way to gather oomph than by the hairs on an upper lip? Fucking NO better way that's what. So, at approximately 6:07 pm today, immediately after a hard weightlifting session, I decided to turn my goatee into a rockin stache. But not before I could stop at the grocery store for some much needed protein. Dead animals are the best way to consume protein, I highly recommend them (you should probably cook them first too). Tonight's dead animal of choice was a pre-cooked rotisserie chicken.

Now, as if the stache wasn't enough, I recently saved an old, faithful, sleeveless t-shirt of mine from the brink of extinction (my sister made me a t-shirt blanket out of old shirts kindof like a quilt and this t-shirt was going to be officially retired before I decided to save it) that is a green tie-dye type of pattern with "Shut Up And Fish" proudly written across the front (similar to this). This shirt is a special shirt (obviously) and so it had been hanging up on a hook until the time was right for me to don it once again. Today, upon mustachioing (just pretend its a fucking word) my face, I determined it was the right time to don the SUAF shirt once again.

Soooooooo, at approximately 6:37 pm, while wearing a sweet mustache and an even sweeter sleeveless shirt, I started to dig into my rotisserie chicken sans utensils. That's right, no fucking fork for this guy. Just pick up that chicken and dig right the fuck in. The legs and wings are the more fundamental finger foods (holy shit that is a lot of alliteration) but contrary to popular belief, the rest of the chicken is just as effectively consumed as a finger food. When my girlfriend walked into my apartment she found her mustache wearing, shut up and fish proclaiming, messy chicken eating, redneck wannabe boyfriend standing and eating in his kitchen and as you can probably guess was THRILLED to fucking see him. And here ends the story of my redneck moment of the here and now. Good awesomeness to you all.

-Silver Spoonman