Awesome Redneck Moment

I have been known to wear a mustache every now and then. The thing about mustaches is that they are fucking god-damned awesome. They attract attention, command respect, harness the power of great American Heroes, and when you grow them, simply put, you are fucking badass.

With that said, my softball team is set to play game number 2 tomorrow evening. After a heartbreaking 6-5 loss in the dark/rain in game 1, I decided we needed a little extra oomph for this game. What better way to gather oomph than by the hairs on an upper lip? Fucking NO better way that's what. So, at approximately 6:07 pm today, immediately after a hard weightlifting session, I decided to turn my goatee into a rockin stache. But not before I could stop at the grocery store for some much needed protein. Dead animals are the best way to consume protein, I highly recommend them (you should probably cook them first too). Tonight's dead animal of choice was a pre-cooked rotisserie chicken.

Now, as if the stache wasn't enough, I recently saved an old, faithful, sleeveless t-shirt of mine from the brink of extinction (my sister made me a t-shirt blanket out of old shirts kindof like a quilt and this t-shirt was going to be officially retired before I decided to save it) that is a green tie-dye type of pattern with "Shut Up And Fish" proudly written across the front (similar to this). This shirt is a special shirt (obviously) and so it had been hanging up on a hook until the time was right for me to don it once again. Today, upon mustachioing (just pretend its a fucking word) my face, I determined it was the right time to don the SUAF shirt once again.

Soooooooo, at approximately 6:37 pm, while wearing a sweet mustache and an even sweeter sleeveless shirt, I started to dig into my rotisserie chicken sans utensils. That's right, no fucking fork for this guy. Just pick up that chicken and dig right the fuck in. The legs and wings are the more fundamental finger foods (holy shit that is a lot of alliteration) but contrary to popular belief, the rest of the chicken is just as effectively consumed as a finger food. When my girlfriend walked into my apartment she found her mustache wearing, shut up and fish proclaiming, messy chicken eating, redneck wannabe boyfriend standing and eating in his kitchen and as you can probably guess was THRILLED to fucking see him. And here ends the story of my redneck moment of the here and now. Good awesomeness to you all.

-Silver Spoonman

Movie Pitch Chatwrap

Sorry for the lack of recent material, the Silver Spoonman has been kinda busy with a multitude of things lately. I hope the following entertains you…

When the weather outside is anything but frightful, and your job is quite the opposite of delightful, funny things can ensue. Today I reflect on a conversation had between myself and Denny Crane on a spring afternoon where the last place we wanted to be was in front of our computers. As many of our conversations do, this one started out with a hypothetical challenge/dare that, if accepted, would result in being freed from the confinement of the workplace. It then proceeded to become a fantastic idea for a movie (working title “Killgame”). Enjoy the genius of the work-confined mind (it might help if you were on a substance or two)…

Note: In case it wasn’t blatantly obvious, anything in brackets is what I went back and added but the rest is from the time of the conversation.

3:33 PM Silver Spoonman: would you let mike tyson punch you in the face if it meant you could quit your job and play golf every day the rest of your life?

and if so

how many times?

3:34 PM Denny Crane: does he have a boxing glove on? do i have headgear on? what are my assurances that his punch won't do long-term damage?

3:35 PM because, much as i like my toes [we have another hypothetical where you are offered 100 million bucks (tax free) to let someone take a swipe at your toes with an axe], and my penis, my brain and face are my two favorite parts of myself, in that order.

3:36 PM Silver Spoonman: bareknuckled

no headgear

no assurances

3:37 PM Denny Crane: then no. he could kill me.

Denny Crane: it's like saying would you run across one end of a football field with someone on the other end firing a 9 mm at you?

3:38 PM it just sounds more appealing because you've likely been punched, but likely have not been shot at.

Silver Spoonman: what if it was a jaw shot

Denny Crane: jaw shot. hmmm...

3:39 PM its very, very unlikely that he would shatter my jaw so as to make it impossible for me to eat. at least from what i understand. so in that case, i'd take one pop.

also, is this mt in his prime or mt in his current pigeon-calling state?

Silver Spoonman: eh, i say prime

i think i do the jaw shot

3:40 PM you can make a full recovery from the jaw shot

Denny Crane: yeah, in almost all instances i think that's right

Silver Spoonman: i'm glad we settled that

oh and the "what you get" changed a bit too

you get 150k per year for the rest of your life and free golf anywhere

3:41 PM Denny Crane: my answer is the same.

Silver Spoonman: agreed

3:46 PM Denny Crane: alright, different variation on the same question. suppose there is a forest in the world somewhere, populated only by animals in the top 4 seeds in animal kingdom madness [Animal Kingdom Madness is a 65-“team” tournament between members of the Animal Kingdom (similar to March Madness). I will post the details soon for anyone who has not seen it to read]. you will be rewarded with the lifetime salary and free golf should you manage to outlast your peers in said forest with nothing but a first aid kit, booze/weed/pills for pain, and a hunting knife. how many nights are you willing to stay in the woods?

Silver Spoonman: hahahaha

wow

3:47 PM Denny Crane: see, the trick is, the pain management tools are all detrimental to one's ability to stay alive in that situation because they decrease performance.

Silver Spoonman: i mean

do i have to kill tiger/lion/elephant/rhino in order to eat?

3:48 PM do i have water?

3:49 PM Denny Crane: yes, you have to kill those animals to eat. you have no safe water; there is fresh running water in a creek somewhere in the forest, but you don't know where it is.

you'd have to go look for it.

Silver Spoonman: crap

Denny Crane: plus, there's only one creek, meaning the animals are also going to need to use that creek.

Silver Spoonman: yikes

um

how long can humans last without water?

3:50 PM Denny Crane: i think around 7-14 days depending...

Silver Spoonman: ok

this creek

how open is it?

Denny Crane: but you lose strength fast if you don't have it.

Silver Spoonman: and how close is the nearest climbable tree

3:51 PM Denny Crane: hmmm...it's in the woods. so its surrounded by trees. whether they're climbable or not depends on how well you pick your surroundings, but there are climbable trees on its banks.

the hippos, naturally, live in the creek.

Silver Spoonman: no they don't

3:52 PM Denny Crane: how on earth can they not live in the creek? they're amphibious?!

Silver Spoonman: the top 4 seeds are rhino/elephant/lion/tiger

there are no hippos in this forest

Denny Crane: oh oh, i meant 1-4 in each part of the bracket [just use the proper terminology you fucking big shot lawyer, 1-4 in each REGION you ass-tickler]. but we can restrict it to those 4 particular animals should you wish.

Silver Spoonman: holy crap

3:53 PM if you let in 1-4 in each region

then my plan that was materializing is totally fucked

my plan was going to be this

Denny Crane: you'd just climb a tree near the creek

Silver Spoonman: yes

Denny Crane: b/c 1-4 can't climb trees

but the black bear can.

Silver Spoonman: and stay up in the tree until i needed water

and at that point

3:54 PM i would decide whether or not to risk getting water and reclimbing

since i don't have a water bottle

i would probably not risk it since i'd have to drink down there

so

i would stay for 7-14 days

however

if you let in 1-4 in each region

that brings in bears

and jaguars

and leopards

all of which can climb trees

3:55 PM so then i'd fucking never go into this forest

without other supplies

like guns

and lights

and a car

[or maybe if I had a boat]

Denny Crane: see, i think the answer depends on one thing

Silver Spoonman: black mamba [the snake, not Kobe Bryant] is in if you let in top 16

Denny Crane: do you feel confident that you could start a fire with your knife before the first nightfall?

3:56 PM because if you could, then you're cream cheese.

if you can't, then fuck you, you're dead.

Silver Spoonman: oh man, top 16 lets in crocodile too

which has to be in the water

Denny Crane: yep

Silver Spoonman: why am i dead if i can't start a fire?

3:57 PM Denny Crane: because there's no way you see black mamba at night, or jaguar...

but if you can start a fire, you can surround yourself with a fire.

Silver Spoonman: good call

but

3:58 PM that would only keep the animals away for so long

once they get hungry

you are fucking toast

Denny Crane: i dunno. animals hate fire.

fire is what separates us from them [well that and higher intelligence and opposable thumbs and I think maybe a few other things too but who’s counting].

in this case, literally.

3:59 PM Silver Spoonman: yeah but a bunch of hungry animals

they do desperate things

you'd need to keep the fire running at all times

and it would have to be huge enough that they couldn't jump over it

where you gonna get all that wood?

4:00 PM by the way

this would be an AWESOME movie

Denny Crane: i mean, i'm not saying this isn't a pressure situation. the best thing would be to find a cave and kill whatever animals were inside, and then start a fire at the entrance(s).

holy crap yeah

Silver Spoonman: hahahahahahaha

4:01 PM thank you Denny Crane for getting me through the 3:00 hour

Denny Crane: glad to help. glad to help.

Silver Spoonman: if we made this into a movie

i think it would be better if the people can work together

4:02 PM otherwise they really have no chance in my opinion

also

fyi, if we let in 1-16, bruce lee sneaks into this forest [Animal Kingdom Madness included a few human participants, the highest ranked of those was Bruce Lee]

Denny Crane: there'd be the tender, heartfelt scene where dude leaves his wife to enter the competition. "honey, i know you're scared, but i'm just really in love with being lazy and playing golf, and i'm really amped about the opportunity to do both things for the rest of my life without repercussions."

4:03 PM dude, that's the best part. dozens and dozens of dangerous animals, plus one crazed, zombified bruce lee.

Silver Spoonman: jesus

this movie does not end well for the contestants

b/c

at the beginning, they're all on their own, striving for the true american dream

but about 3 days into it, they realize, holy fucking shit, this is going to be the end of all our lives

4:04 PM and they band together to try to stay alive

bu the problem is

they fucking can't

does zombie bruce lee turn the animals into zombie versions of themselves?

Denny Crane: i think not. i think bruce is, like, zombified only in terms of coming back to life. you don't have to take his head off to kill him again, you can just kill him normally.

like in the tourney.

Silver Spoonman: this might need to be a blog post [in fact, it did need to be one, and now it is]

4:05 PM Denny Crane: change the names to protect the innocent.

and guilty.

Silver Spoonman: right

i can get behind a non-zombie bruce lee

so is bruce lee trying to kill the contestants or just surviving like they are?

b/c to be honest, if bruce lee is on my side, that changes things big time

4:06 PM Denny Crane: yeah, i mean, the competitors get all demoralized once they come up with this great plan, and the first guy heads out on the initial leg, and they're all waiting, and they hear "waaaaaa!" and then see the guy's liver flying through the air with a bruce lee bite taken out of it (if you haven't figured out, my answer to your question is bruce is trying to kill them)

Silver Spoonman: hahahaha

ok

i love this storyline, we can build on this

Denny Crane: then they all get the voice that kyle gets on south park when he realizes that cartman has won..."you unbelievable bastard."

4:07 PM Silver Spoonman: the rock [Dwayne Johnson] is in this movie right?

he's either the lone survivor at the end, or the last man to die saving the hot chick

4:08 PM or maybe there aren't any chicks in this movie [that was a horrible idea that I apologize for even thinking about having]

Denny Crane: lets cast this movie

Silver Spoonman: dwayne johnson in right?

Denny Crane: yes

Silver Spoonman: mos def

Denny Crane: paul rudd for comic relief

Silver Spoonman: mos def has intimate knowledge of all the animals

4:09 PM he's like a dorky discovery channel dude [who obviously watches the discovery channel because of all the pot that he smokes]

Denny Crane: ok i'm behind that

Silver Spoonman: paul rudd, love it

paul rudd has to last for most of the movie for hilarity's sake

Denny Crane: need some evil dude to bankroll the contest. i nominate either timothy dalton or the guy that played shooter mcgavin.

Silver Spoonman: definitely shooter mcgavin

4:10 PM he should have an evil female partner

i'm thinking pamela landy [Joan Allen] from the bourne movies

Denny Crane: i like it.

Silver Spoonman: also the bad lady from death race

Denny Crane: i think we can get her.

Silver Spoonman: are there chick competitors?

4:11 PM Denny Crane: i think there's one or two. a preppy chick that loves golf (jenna fisher?) and some sassy ethnic chick who dies first (michelle rodriguez?)

Silver Spoonman: fucking a

i was just waiting to submit michelle rodriguez

4:12 PM Denny Crane: great minds

Silver Spoonman: i could see jessica biel as the preppy chick too

we need a first class meathead

Denny Crane: you need a d-bag contestant. the same sort of character as mcclain's new boyfriend in die hard or the dickhead in shaun of the dead.

Silver Spoonman: that too

Denny Crane: you know, the one you're waiting to see die at the hands of a leopard.

Silver Spoonman: like total arrogant asshole

Denny Crane: yeah.

4:13 PM Silver Spoonman: hmmm

Denny Crane: and then you also need an older dude, wise, who you're upset to see go.

Silver Spoonman: yep

christopher walken

4:14 PM Denny Crane: ahahahahahahahhahahaahaha. walken would also be good for the rich villain.

Silver Spoonman: truth

the arrogant prick is tough

b/c

it has to be someone relatively unknown i think

4:15 PM Denny Crane: you could bring back johnny lawrence from karate kid.

Silver Spoonman: or

we could go opposite that

and channel ed norton's inner italian job

Denny Crane: problem with norton is, doesn't he upstage our main hero (presumably rock)?

4:16 PM Silver Spoonman: maybe

or

Denny Crane: he's the best actor of the bunch we've mentioned so far.

Silver Spoonman: we could drop the rock

take stone cold as the meathead

and someone like marky mark as the hero

Denny Crane: or damon

Silver Spoonman: yes

damon

i love me some damon

and we could of course have an affleck cameo at that point

Denny Crane: i think we can get matt damon on board.

4:17 PM we need a dude with an accent.

Silver Spoonman: yeah most likely

good call

i think we need an australian

Denny Crane: you could go with jackman as the dickhead.

Silver Spoonman: yeah i like that

thats good

australian dickhead

Denny Crane: and bale as damon's rival, who teams up with him in the end.

4:18 PM Silver Spoonman: yeah that could work

Denny Crane: when they firefight with the rhino, lion, and bruce lee.

to the death.

Silver Spoonman: hahaha

i'm kindof imagining a predator meets lost at the moment

with a little where the wild things are thrown in

in terms of the general feel of the jungle

4:20 PM Denny Crane: yeah, i mean, you have to be careful, you don't want this to be anaconda (speaking of, though, jon voight is a good thought for the old dude). you want it to almost have an edgar allan poe feel.

Silver Spoonman: haha

Denny Crane: equal parts terror and suspense.

Silver Spoonman: should we include a martial arts guy to die at the hands/feet of bruce lee?

4:21 PM Denny Crane: isn't that stone cold's job? i mean, for someone more athletic, we could go with cena, but he looks so much like damon that's probably bad casting.

Silver Spoonman: yeah agreed

stone cold works there

what would really be great

4:22 PM is if stone cold could like take out an animal by crushing its skull

and be very pleased with himself (who wouldn't) and then have bruce lee roundhouse kick his head off or something

4:23 PM Denny Crane: yeah, like, he celebrates with the booze (which, remember, all of these people have), and damon and the old guy are warning him to lay off, and he wanders off, and then wham! roundhouse.

Silver Spoonman: haha, perfect

maybe even get a "ain't got time to bleed" level of awesomeness quote in there somehow

Denny Crane: oh, he's definitely going to be channeling some jesse the body in predator with his character.

Silver Spoonman: fo sho

i think we've really got something here

we'll need to hash out some of the details

4:24 PM around copius amounts of booze

The conversation moves away from Killgame for a short bit here, if you are uninterested in quite meaningful asides, skip this section.

speaking of booze

i talked to [guy who hasn't chosen his codename yet] the other night

Denny Crane: how's he doing?

Silver Spoonman: he's good

Denny Crane: i'm at work, remember

Silver Spoonman: he's moving into a place with [some friends] in [nova locale]

Denny Crane: wow, that's awesome

Silver Spoonman: yeah

work schmork

4:25 PM Denny Crane: good point

Silver Spoonman: its only your livelihood in a bad economic time

not that important

Denny Crane: not to mention the career i've worked my whole life for, and the only one for which my god-given gifts are suited.

yeah, who cares about that?

Silver Spoonman: seriously

4:26 PM what you need to do

is stop being such a debbie downer

And we’re back…

i feel like we need a 3rd female contestant

maybe a husband/wife team?

not big characters

4:27 PM the wife gets killed and the husband goes crazily after her murderer, only to get stomped out by a crazy elephant or something

Denny Crane: yeah, or brothers...same thing

brother/sister even

4:28 PM Silver Spoonman: yeah that works

Denny Crane: some weird triangle, sister falls for dude, brother is jealous, sister dies, brother goes crazy, other dude tries to hold him back, can't, brother gets gored by rhino.

Silver Spoonman: hahaha, poetic

4:29 PM if there's one message we want to send

its that emotion leads to rhino goring

almost always

Denny Crane: i mean, i know we're talking about a blockbuster here. that much is a given

but these deeper messages make me think that, with a bit of effort from us and a strong showing from the actors, we could be talking oscar.

Silver Spoonman: multiple oscars

Denny Crane: seriously. why sell ourselves short?

Silver Spoonman: i see no reason to do so

4:30 PM Denny Crane: this is the citizen kane of animal-on-human violence.

it's a strong message, a warning to society even. don't fuck with wild animals. they'll kill you.

Silver Spoonman: exactly

i'm not sold on christopher walken as the wily veteran

4:31 PM Denny Crane: yeah, i think we can do better.

brian cox is an awesome actor, but he's too fat.

Silver Spoonman: my image right now is of the old guy from the first survivor crossed with john locke

4:32 PM maybe even a younger morgan freeman could've pulled it off, but too old these days

Denny Crane: oh, man, for the villain, clearly gary oldman.

4:33 PM Silver Spoonman: nice

Denny Crane: and, back to old guy...hmm...carl weathers?

Silver Spoonman: eh

4:35 PM if all else fails we could go sean connery

whatabout alan grant from jurassic park

is he old enough?

4:36 PM and the old guy is in the competition on his son's behalf or something

b/c obviously he doesn't care about golf and money for the rest of his life

4:37 PM Denny Crane: oh man. i've got it.

you're gonna love this.

two words.

dick.

lebeau.

acting debut.

Silver Spoonman: hahahaha

fucking brilliant

perfect

just perfect

so we'll have to schedule shooting to begin right after the steelers win a superbowl

4:40 PM Denny Crane: i mean, there are tons of steelers i would cast to be in this movie. polamalu is begging to be in it. i'd like harrison, but i'd worry we wouldn't be able to put that disclaimer about no animals being harmed in the filming.

Silver Spoonman: hahah, right

makes sense

how sweet tho

would it be to have silverback [James Harrison’s nickname] facing off against a silverback

sweet jesus

4:41 PM Denny Crane: oh man. incredible.

Silver Spoonman: ok

i think

on that note

i'm going to call it quits for the day

4:42 PM that was definitely a lot more fun than i would have otherwise had in the last 2 hours of my work day

4:43 PM Denny Crane: indeed.

and productive, now that we're going to be millionaire filmmakers.

Silver Spoonman: fo real real

how ironic

4:44 PM that we will accomplish the lazy and golf-ridden lifestyle, through making this film, that the competitors are trying so justly to capture

Denny Crane: and isn't that the american dream that the competition is meant to evoke in the first place?

Silver Spoonman: yes

yes it is

4:47 PM aight man, have a good one

4:48 PM Denny Crane: later boss.

And thus ends the first round of the planning stages for Killgame, a surefire bet to be best picture in the near future. Screen play to be coming soon (and by soon I mean probably never). Lessons learned today? Animals will kill you and you can't stop them and too much emotion leads to rhino goring. Important lessons for sure. I hope you all are smarter now.

-Silver Spoonman

Laser Eyes Follow-Up

Let me just say that getting laser eyes beats work any day. I woke up at my normal time, got to the laser eye center (TLC) put lots of drugs in my eyes, a few drugs in my body, and then got lasers in my eyes. Since then I ate lunch, took a mandatory 3-hour nap, and now have been lying on my sofa with my eyes closed and with Tiesto blasting super-awesome tunes throughout my (and inevitably other) apartments for the last 3 hours. The only reason I get up now is to put more drugs in my eyes (like every hour) and fill up my cup with more iced tea. Now, I could fucking get used to this. Maybe I should get laser eyes every day....

Laser Eyes

Tomorrow I'm getting LASIK performed on my eyes. For some reason this has me about as excited as a 7-year-old Silver Spoonman on Christmas Eve that knows he's definitely getting that G.I. Joe space shuttle but can't play with it until tomorrow morning. Surgery is exciting? Fuck and yes it is. You know why? Because it's going to do wonderful things for me like allowing me to play golf as well as Tiger Woods (probably) and giving me awesome new x-ray vision (I think).

Another bonus is that I get to take two days off from work. Unfortunately, I'm told that the day of the surgery I won't really be able to read or watch tv or do anything with my eyes more or less. So I guess I have a day of valium (no I'm not a drug dealer, they're giving it to me at the doctor), napping, and loud music-listening ahead of me. I already feel bad for any of my neighbors that don't appreciate loud Tiesto because I'm pretty sure they're going to have to put up with multiple hours of him. Learning that I won't be able to do many things to entertain myself has made this one of the many times when I wish I had South Park levels of skills in Guitar Hero so that I could whip out some freestyling (or you know, that I could play an actual guitar) but alas, Tiesto will have to suffice.

I'm also thinking that maybe I should start a top-awesome (I was gonna go for top-secret but then I realized it wouldn't be a secret so awesome was the next best option) laser eye team so if anyone decides to join me in acquiring laser eyes, applications for Team Laser Eyes are available upon request. What we do on Team Laser Eyes is not as important as the fact that we do it with FREAKING LASER EYES. Hopefully the next time I see you, I will be able to tell immediately that you too have become a fucking superhuman cyborg but until then, keep looking at stuff with your humanoid eyes.

-Silver Spoonman

Top 10

If you only ever take one thing away from this blog, take away this simple truth: Top 10 lists are AWESOME. They allow us to relive amazing events from all different walks of life in different angles and in slow motion; they remind us of just how cool anything from movies to beers to sexual positions really are. Top Ten lists are like the UNC of the List NCAA Basketball, they keep performing time and time again. On a side note, the UVA of the LNCAAB is probably a To-Do list, they play in the big leagues (ACC/day-to-day life) but they fucking suck and you never want to deal with them.

Below, I present to you two of my very own top 10 lists. The first is the top 10 "things" in the world. Here, I'm thinking about things that you can use (not limited to physical objects) to facilitate something else. The second is a version 2 of an old crowd favorite of mine: Top 10 things to do. Here, I'm considering acts or events of some sort. I made these lists yesterday afternoon while lounging around in my apartment with a friend from college (hereafter named the Greased Machine). The Greased Machine provided some creative brainstorming support but the final calls and decisions were made by the Silver Spoonman.

Top 10 Things in the World:

1. Streaming Porn: What an amazing creation. We (men) all love porn. Anyone that claims differently and is not lying is either not a real man (probably an alien of some sort) or something else not cool that I don't even know about. Free porn at the ready any time you have a functioning internet connection is well deserving of top bidding as far as I'm concerned. Side note: I was distracted from making this list on more than one occasion by Mr. Number 1.
   
2. HD TVs: HD TV will change your life. I promise. Unless you don't like watching real live shit going on (yes 24 is real and live) right in front of your eyes, in which case, I don't think we should be friends.
3. Dynasty Jackets: Most notably Pittsburgh Steelers dynasty jackets. My father purchased one of these for me as a Christmas present last year. It's probably the most amazing item of clothing I've ever owned. Steelers fan or not, people will absolutely notice it and they will either love it or hate it passionately. And if they hate it, it's only because they cheer for a team with fewer Superbowl victories (all of the other teams).
4. Pizza: Does this really need an explanation? Pizza has been around since the beginning of time. I know this because Caesar was the first ever to mass produce it and in order for something to be mass produced it has to be around for like a few thousand years (it's like a law of business or something). I even ordered a pizza while I was coming up with this list.
   
5. DVR: Holy crizzap! DVR will also change your life. It eliminates the whole watching-commercials-and-tearing-your-eyes-out-by-way-of-spoon-while-you-wait-in-anticipation-for-who-Jack-Bauer-is-going-to-fucking-kill-next thing. It also allows you to watch LeBron James dunk over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. These are very delicious things.
6. Sandwiches: Sandwiches are so fucking money. The Greased Machine brought sandwiches to my attention and it's a damned good thing he did. You wanna know where you'd be without the sandwich? You'd be fucking dead. Because you ate nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for 3 solid years of your childhood just like every other real boy or girl and children don't do so well without food.
7. Cars: In addition to being totally sweet and fast and powerful, cars are also extremely practical. They get you from A to B much faster than horses or really big dogs. They would be in the top 5 if not for the fact that they're also a great way for our government to steal more money from us whether it be through taxation or absurdly high penalties for "infractions". I say fuck that shit, let your inner Ricky Bobby shine.
8. Sports Equipment: This includes a lot of things but for me golf clubs and accessories are at the forefront of my equipment these days. The great thing about golf is that you will never stop wanting to buy more golf equipment. Why? Well probably because, like me, you suck big donkey nut sacs and so buying equipment becomes at least half of the fun of being a "golfer". Having a driver the size of a grapefruit takes some of the sting off of not being able to hit it forwards consistently.
   
9. iPods: Another great piece of technology, the iPod has revolutionized the way we listen to music and to a lesser extent, watch movies and tv shows. Podcasts are starting to gain ground these days too and those can be hilarious (as mentioned in previous posts, Adam Carolla's is particularly hilarious).
10. The Internet: The internet allows you to fulfill almost any desire you have whenever you have it. Anyone looking for a way to strive for instant gratification need look no further than the screen in front of their face. The internet makes youtube possible. Youtube could've made this list by itself but we'll lump it in with the interwebs. If the internet had existed at the beginning of time I think it's safe to say we could have saved the dinosaurs. I'm totally serial.

Honorable Mentions: Expensive Scotch (or any other awesome expensive booze for that matter), T-Shirts (especially clever or funny ones), Cell Phones (very convenient, except when you're trying to sneak up on someone and kill them), Powerthirst (not actually real, otherwise it would be #1)

Top 10 Things To Do:

1. Sex: Are there people that exist that don't enjoy sexual stimulation? Is this even possible? For the purposes of this list I'm lumping all forms of sex (with another person or on your own) together. Sex is at the very core of our existence and it's fucking awesome.
2. Watching TV: Now before you decide that I'm a worthless fat piece of shit that sits on his ass all the time watching tv and has no friends, consider this: tv watching includes the National Fucking Football League, the NBA, all other sports of varying degrees of awesome, movies, tv series, documentaries (like 24), and even musical concerts now. And to top it all off, you've got high definition discovery channel. Who needs to be in nature when you can watch all the nature highlights while drinking a cold beer and eating pizza?
3. Playing Golf: Golf is fucking fun. Except when you're sucking, at which point it becomes awful until you remember that everyone sucks and then it becomes fucking fun again. It's a wonderful cycle. Plus golf is good for so many things. It's good for hanging out with all sorts of people (dads/sons, buddies, coworkers, etc.), it's a good way to get drunk, it's a good way to get outside and not sit on your sofa doing number 2 (on this list not in the bathroom) all day, and it's a good way to do all these things while laughing hysterically at your playing partners who happen to be having the worst rounds of their life. Note: If someone is having terrible "luck" it is recommended and acceptable to laugh at them because I guaran-damn-tee they are going to laugh at you when your ball decides to take a fucking 90 degree turn every time you hit it more than 10 feet in the air.
4. Going to Horse Races: Holy Christ horse races are like an orgy made out of chocolate and bourbon. I don't even know what the fuck that means but I know that orgies, chocolate and bourbon are all really fucking awesome and Foxfield (a particular horse race held in Charlottesville, Virginia every April) reminds me of awesome things like those. Before I had ever been to a horse race, I asked a much wiser person than me "what is this fabled Foxfield like?" and he answered "it's like if Christmas were in the summer, except that instead of Santa, you had thousands of hot women all wearing skimpy sundresses and the presents were all made out of liquor." FUCK AND YES I want to go there.
   
5. Drinking Booze: Drinking would be higher except for the fact that it is quite unhealthy. Especially when you do it in excess. Thankfully I have never been drunk so I don't have to worry about the excessive part of this activity. Okay maybe that was a lie. But drinking is pretty much always fun because it makes you feel like a fucking unstoppable force and/or an immovable object depending on how long you've been drinking for.
6. Sleeping: Everyone loves sleeping. Maybe you don't like the fact that you have to sleep because it takes away time from doing other awesome things ranked higher than sleeping, but it makes you feel refreshed and gives you energy to do said awesome things. Sleeping is like a never-ending bottle of free, legal, side-effect-free steroids designed to make you good at living.
7. Playing Rock Band: If you've never played rock band you are missing out. Rock band allows unskilled musicians like you and me pretend like we are fucking badass rock stars. Rock band is a 4-player game that is very easy to rotate so it's a great party game. Therefore, you can mix it with #5 and add to the authenticity of being a rock star. You could probably even end your drunken, rowdy, rock star night with #1 and #6. Jesus that sounds like an awesome night.
   
8. Eating: Essential to your success at living, eating is a lot of fun. There are so many options and many of them taste delicious. I am a proponent of eating lots of animals. Eating animals will make you big and strong and that is very cool and tough. And we all want to be cool and tough whenever possible.
9. A Good 1-Wipe Shit: One wipe shits are probably one of the most unheralded awesome things. It's always a relief to get all that crap out of you and for the end of it to go so smoothly to only require one wipe is just heaven in a bottle.
10. Buying Steelers Stuff: Man I love the Steelers. And buying jerseys or terrible towels or pillows or banners or fatheads...well, I think you get the picture. I love buying Steelers stuff all year around but if I'm buying a lot of it, it generally means that the Steelers just won the Superbowl which is even more awesome. So buying Steelers stuff makes the top 10.
    

Honorable Mentions: Using PTO (it's awesome because it means you're not at work, but it also means you have less PTO to use in the near future), Winning Bets (lots of fun no matter what the stakes), Going to Bachelor Parties (would definitely have made the list except that they aren't really a regular occurrence), Winning the Lottery (I can only assume that this would be the most awesome event possible because I CAN'T EVER FUCKING WIN THE LOTTERY).

So there you have it. Those are two top 10 lists and a whole fuckload of awesomeness. Also, I think it merits mentioning that while I was coming up with the items on this list I was going back and forth between watching NBA basketball, College Basketball, and Tiger "I fucking rule the world" Woods win a golf tournament all in HD on my huge LCD TV; just a PHEH-NOMINAL experience. I hope you enjoyed my favorite things.

-Silver Spoonman

The 5 Senses

Let me start by apologizing for the lack of recent material. It took me all of last week to recover from the heavy drinking that occurred the previous weekend. The debauchery included a victory for the Silver Spoonman and friend in a "March Madness of Beer Pong" tournament. Bad Ass. Anyways, I am not angry today so I will be going against the grain and writing about an interesting hypothetical as opposed to complaining about some crappy thing like the lottery (which by the way I STILL have not won).

If the technology existed to harness one or more of your senses (vision, hearing, taste, touch, smell) and then remove it and give it to another person, would you sell any of your senses and how much would it take?

I'm gonna go ahead and rank the senses in order of how I value them as well as give you reasons why I would not want to give them up and reasons why I would want to sell them.

1. Vision: Kindof a no brainer for me here. Not being able to hear would be really bad, but not being able to see would be the worst. Can't watch the NFL. Can't look at eye pastries. Reasons 1a and 1b are enough by themselves to prevent me from selling my vision for any price but in case you remain unconvinced, you can't drive, you can't walk around without risking destroying your shins, you pretty much can't do anything you do now. Not good at all. So even if you gave me a billion dollars, I still wouldn't sell my sight because I couldn't really enjoy my life and my billion dollars if I couldn't see.

2. Hearing: This was a close call for me but I'm putting hearing a touch higher than touching. I'm a big music fan, so not hearing music would be a drag. Also, you'd have to learn sign language and you'd have to make all your friends learn it too. Except when all your friends drink as much as mine do, you'd probably have a bunch of friends who would not learn sign language. So, no music, far less efficient communication, potential to go insane with the whole no noise thing after having lived 20+ years with constant noise; add that all up and I don't think I'd sell my hearing for any price.

3. Touch: As mentioned, touch almost made it to #2. Why? The Orgasm (sfw). Without a sense of touch, you cannot get off. This would be awful. And it's not like you'd lose interest in the opposite sex all of a sudden. You'd just forget what it was like to have that oh so wonderful feeling. This would be a constant source of torture. The only good thing I can think of about losing your sense of touch would be the inability to get hot/cold and feel pain. But even that could be a bad thing because you'd never know if you were about to get hypothermia or a stroke. So all in all, losing touch = bad news. I would not sell sense of touch for any amount.

4. Taste: Now we get to the third tier of senses. I love food and I love the taste of good booze. But if I were offered 100 million dollars I would give up my sense of taste really quickly. First of all, without your sense of taste, you wouldn't want to eat awesome unhealthy foods because they would no longer taste awesome to you. This way you could eat only healthy foods, keeping yourself in better shape and also probably prolonging your filthy rich life. I think my reservation wage for giving up taste would be about 10 million after tax dollars. I understand that I'll never be able to taste a good steak or a good beer ever again, but 10 million after tax dollars will allow me to never work again. And never tasting again is a price I'm willing to pay to live the Ultimate American Dream. Plus if you sold smell in addition to taste, you'd have no problem being this guy.

5. Smell: The weakest of the senses, smell is like the Detroit Lions of the all-senses NFL. You know they're gonna be bad every year and they really don't even have any bright spots. Smell has nothing to bring to the table in my opinion. The only bad things about not being able to smell are A) a dulling of your sense of taste 2) you can't tell if you are in desperate need of a shower (although you should probably figure that out some other way) and D) you can't smell smoke in your burning building (I tried really hard to find a clip to help out anyone who doesn't recognize the Buzz McCallister reference there but youtube failed me). I would sell my sense of smell for 50 grand.

So that about does it for me and my senses. If you find this at all interesting (or even if you don't) tell me how much you'd want for your senses. I'll try to get angry about something for my next post. Until then, keep playing the lottery.

-Silver Spoonman

Lunch Breaks

Let me tell you something about lunch breaks. Lunch breaks are an essential part of the workday because they help you get through the dreadful, monotonous, boring day, or, they help you get through the shitty, stressful, busy day. That's why they're great, they help you no matter what kind of day you are having. They are the gift that keeps on giving (this is why they are the Silver Spoonman's 2nd favorite part of the workday).

However, some people decide that they are too cool or too important for lunch breaks. I call "bullshit" on these people. The only reason you should be skipping your lunch break is if you have a deadline of cob (close of business) that day or earlier. All other deadlines are not close enough. Don't tell me you can't just stay a bit later or work a little harder down the stretch. And don't tell me you want to get out of the office earlier. We all fucking want out of the office earlier. But that doesn't stop me from taking my full hour lunch break and damnit, it shouldn't stop you either.

Before I get into why this annoys me, I'll classify the lunching types*. You've got your full breakers, you know, the people always pushing for lunch out a restaurant where you inevitably get more than an hour. Then you've got your partial breakers who aren't bad people they just get a little antsy once they've finished eating their food. Next you've got the non-existant lunchers who don't eat or eat when nobody else is eating. I don't understand these people, this concept is alien to me. Finally you've got the worst group. The desk-eaters. Holy crap this is the worst thing imaginable. I want to eat lunch but I can't bear to be away from my desk in case I get an email that I have to IMMEDIATELY respond to. Bullshit. People can fucking wait for your response until after the lunch hour. And if they can't then they can eat my ass. Ok, maybe I got a little too fired up there, sorry.

There are two reasons why the non-full lunchers piss me off. First off, my lunch break is more enjoyable when more people share it with me. For me, people > no people in most situations. The other reason is that by not taking your lunch break, you've now made me feel guilty about taking mine. There is no reason why I should feel guilty that I'm doing something that I'm supposed to do. And look, the fact is, you'd be better off if you took a full lunch break. I promise, it will create a less stressful environment for you. So you know what, I've got a new resolution for you. Relax a little bit, be willing to respond to those emails just a little bit slower and take your full hour for lunch. In the end, it'll make this world a better place for you and for me.

-Silver Spoonman

*Not all of us are fortunate enough to work at a place with multiple coworkers in our age group. Those people are exempt from having their lunching habits judged and/or ridiculed by yours truly.