Top 10

If you only ever take one thing away from this blog, take away this simple truth: Top 10 lists are AWESOME. They allow us to relive amazing events from all different walks of life in different angles and in slow motion; they remind us of just how cool anything from movies to beers to sexual positions really are. Top Ten lists are like the UNC of the List NCAA Basketball, they keep performing time and time again. On a side note, the UVA of the LNCAAB is probably a To-Do list, they play in the big leagues (ACC/day-to-day life) but they fucking suck and you never want to deal with them.

Below, I present to you two of my very own top 10 lists. The first is the top 10 "things" in the world. Here, I'm thinking about things that you can use (not limited to physical objects) to facilitate something else. The second is a version 2 of an old crowd favorite of mine: Top 10 things to do. Here, I'm considering acts or events of some sort. I made these lists yesterday afternoon while lounging around in my apartment with a friend from college (hereafter named the Greased Machine). The Greased Machine provided some creative brainstorming support but the final calls and decisions were made by the Silver Spoonman.

Top 10 Things in the World:

1. Streaming Porn: What an amazing creation. We (men) all love porn. Anyone that claims differently and is not lying is either not a real man (probably an alien of some sort) or something else not cool that I don't even know about. Free porn at the ready any time you have a functioning internet connection is well deserving of top bidding as far as I'm concerned. Side note: I was distracted from making this list on more than one occasion by Mr. Number 1.
   
2. HD TVs: HD TV will change your life. I promise. Unless you don't like watching real live shit going on (yes 24 is real and live) right in front of your eyes, in which case, I don't think we should be friends.
3. Dynasty Jackets: Most notably Pittsburgh Steelers dynasty jackets. My father purchased one of these for me as a Christmas present last year. It's probably the most amazing item of clothing I've ever owned. Steelers fan or not, people will absolutely notice it and they will either love it or hate it passionately. And if they hate it, it's only because they cheer for a team with fewer Superbowl victories (all of the other teams).
4. Pizza: Does this really need an explanation? Pizza has been around since the beginning of time. I know this because Caesar was the first ever to mass produce it and in order for something to be mass produced it has to be around for like a few thousand years (it's like a law of business or something). I even ordered a pizza while I was coming up with this list.
   
5. DVR: Holy crizzap! DVR will also change your life. It eliminates the whole watching-commercials-and-tearing-your-eyes-out-by-way-of-spoon-while-you-wait-in-anticipation-for-who-Jack-Bauer-is-going-to-fucking-kill-next thing. It also allows you to watch LeBron James dunk over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. These are very delicious things.
6. Sandwiches: Sandwiches are so fucking money. The Greased Machine brought sandwiches to my attention and it's a damned good thing he did. You wanna know where you'd be without the sandwich? You'd be fucking dead. Because you ate nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for 3 solid years of your childhood just like every other real boy or girl and children don't do so well without food.
7. Cars: In addition to being totally sweet and fast and powerful, cars are also extremely practical. They get you from A to B much faster than horses or really big dogs. They would be in the top 5 if not for the fact that they're also a great way for our government to steal more money from us whether it be through taxation or absurdly high penalties for "infractions". I say fuck that shit, let your inner Ricky Bobby shine.
8. Sports Equipment: This includes a lot of things but for me golf clubs and accessories are at the forefront of my equipment these days. The great thing about golf is that you will never stop wanting to buy more golf equipment. Why? Well probably because, like me, you suck big donkey nut sacs and so buying equipment becomes at least half of the fun of being a "golfer". Having a driver the size of a grapefruit takes some of the sting off of not being able to hit it forwards consistently.
   
9. iPods: Another great piece of technology, the iPod has revolutionized the way we listen to music and to a lesser extent, watch movies and tv shows. Podcasts are starting to gain ground these days too and those can be hilarious (as mentioned in previous posts, Adam Carolla's is particularly hilarious).
10. The Internet: The internet allows you to fulfill almost any desire you have whenever you have it. Anyone looking for a way to strive for instant gratification need look no further than the screen in front of their face. The internet makes youtube possible. Youtube could've made this list by itself but we'll lump it in with the interwebs. If the internet had existed at the beginning of time I think it's safe to say we could have saved the dinosaurs. I'm totally serial.

Honorable Mentions: Expensive Scotch (or any other awesome expensive booze for that matter), T-Shirts (especially clever or funny ones), Cell Phones (very convenient, except when you're trying to sneak up on someone and kill them), Powerthirst (not actually real, otherwise it would be #1)

Top 10 Things To Do:

1. Sex: Are there people that exist that don't enjoy sexual stimulation? Is this even possible? For the purposes of this list I'm lumping all forms of sex (with another person or on your own) together. Sex is at the very core of our existence and it's fucking awesome.
2. Watching TV: Now before you decide that I'm a worthless fat piece of shit that sits on his ass all the time watching tv and has no friends, consider this: tv watching includes the National Fucking Football League, the NBA, all other sports of varying degrees of awesome, movies, tv series, documentaries (like 24), and even musical concerts now. And to top it all off, you've got high definition discovery channel. Who needs to be in nature when you can watch all the nature highlights while drinking a cold beer and eating pizza?
3. Playing Golf: Golf is fucking fun. Except when you're sucking, at which point it becomes awful until you remember that everyone sucks and then it becomes fucking fun again. It's a wonderful cycle. Plus golf is good for so many things. It's good for hanging out with all sorts of people (dads/sons, buddies, coworkers, etc.), it's a good way to get drunk, it's a good way to get outside and not sit on your sofa doing number 2 (on this list not in the bathroom) all day, and it's a good way to do all these things while laughing hysterically at your playing partners who happen to be having the worst rounds of their life. Note: If someone is having terrible "luck" it is recommended and acceptable to laugh at them because I guaran-damn-tee they are going to laugh at you when your ball decides to take a fucking 90 degree turn every time you hit it more than 10 feet in the air.
4. Going to Horse Races: Holy Christ horse races are like an orgy made out of chocolate and bourbon. I don't even know what the fuck that means but I know that orgies, chocolate and bourbon are all really fucking awesome and Foxfield (a particular horse race held in Charlottesville, Virginia every April) reminds me of awesome things like those. Before I had ever been to a horse race, I asked a much wiser person than me "what is this fabled Foxfield like?" and he answered "it's like if Christmas were in the summer, except that instead of Santa, you had thousands of hot women all wearing skimpy sundresses and the presents were all made out of liquor." FUCK AND YES I want to go there.
   
5. Drinking Booze: Drinking would be higher except for the fact that it is quite unhealthy. Especially when you do it in excess. Thankfully I have never been drunk so I don't have to worry about the excessive part of this activity. Okay maybe that was a lie. But drinking is pretty much always fun because it makes you feel like a fucking unstoppable force and/or an immovable object depending on how long you've been drinking for.
6. Sleeping: Everyone loves sleeping. Maybe you don't like the fact that you have to sleep because it takes away time from doing other awesome things ranked higher than sleeping, but it makes you feel refreshed and gives you energy to do said awesome things. Sleeping is like a never-ending bottle of free, legal, side-effect-free steroids designed to make you good at living.
7. Playing Rock Band: If you've never played rock band you are missing out. Rock band allows unskilled musicians like you and me pretend like we are fucking badass rock stars. Rock band is a 4-player game that is very easy to rotate so it's a great party game. Therefore, you can mix it with #5 and add to the authenticity of being a rock star. You could probably even end your drunken, rowdy, rock star night with #1 and #6. Jesus that sounds like an awesome night.
   
8. Eating: Essential to your success at living, eating is a lot of fun. There are so many options and many of them taste delicious. I am a proponent of eating lots of animals. Eating animals will make you big and strong and that is very cool and tough. And we all want to be cool and tough whenever possible.
9. A Good 1-Wipe Shit: One wipe shits are probably one of the most unheralded awesome things. It's always a relief to get all that crap out of you and for the end of it to go so smoothly to only require one wipe is just heaven in a bottle.
10. Buying Steelers Stuff: Man I love the Steelers. And buying jerseys or terrible towels or pillows or banners or fatheads...well, I think you get the picture. I love buying Steelers stuff all year around but if I'm buying a lot of it, it generally means that the Steelers just won the Superbowl which is even more awesome. So buying Steelers stuff makes the top 10.
    

Honorable Mentions: Using PTO (it's awesome because it means you're not at work, but it also means you have less PTO to use in the near future), Winning Bets (lots of fun no matter what the stakes), Going to Bachelor Parties (would definitely have made the list except that they aren't really a regular occurrence), Winning the Lottery (I can only assume that this would be the most awesome event possible because I CAN'T EVER FUCKING WIN THE LOTTERY).

So there you have it. Those are two top 10 lists and a whole fuckload of awesomeness. Also, I think it merits mentioning that while I was coming up with the items on this list I was going back and forth between watching NBA basketball, College Basketball, and Tiger "I fucking rule the world" Woods win a golf tournament all in HD on my huge LCD TV; just a PHEH-NOMINAL experience. I hope you enjoyed my favorite things.

-Silver Spoonman