Running Diary of a Man at Work with No Work

I'm a big fan of the running diary that Bill Simmons writes for ESPN. Here's my attempt at one for an admittedly less exciting event (my workday) than say a professional sports playoff game or draft...

9:30 – Arrive. I’m supposed to show up between 8-9 am but I generally don’t get here till 9:15 at the earliest, especially on a day when I don’t have any immediate responsibilities.

9:31 – Fill up water bottle and grab free muffin. This awful place that I come to daily provides me with free breakfast on Mondays and Wednesdays. My only question, what the fuck happened on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday?

9:33 – Show coworkers with cubicles near mine my new facial hairstyle. Last night I decided to go from a beard to long sideburns and a mustache that goes all the way down my chin. I’m guessing my bosses (did I mention I have like 20 fucking bosses at this place? yeah, well, I do) and girlfriend will love this style, but in case they don’t, I know it will be good for the monster truck rally I’m headed to later this week.

9:34 – Turn on my computer. NO EMAILS!!! There is nothing as sweet as turning on the computer in the morning and having zero emails. God I love this recession. Well, at least until it turns into me not having to turn on a computer every morning.

9:35 – In addition to providing us with free breakfast, we also get a weekly free lunch. Man this place sucks. Only one free lunch per week? Today I’m deciding where we’re getting lunch from and it’s gonna be Chili’s. I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs…This leads to a loud discussion with other occupants of “Manland” (a set of 9 cubicles occupied by 8 men and lots of document boxes) about how awesome Chili’s is b/c it IS AMERICA.

9:37 – I start the long process of checking all the various non-work related sites that I need to check each day. Streak for the cash, xkcd.com, dilbert.com, gmail, warfish.net, facebook, the list goes on and on depending on how much work I have and today, I have none.

9:42 – I have to report to a superior what my expected utilization will be for the day. Sometimes I report 100% when I have no work just so I won’t be bothered. Today, I report 0%. Reporting 0% is like playing chicken.

10:04 – Bathroom time. This is like my 3^rd favorite time of the workday after 1) leaving, and 2) lunch time. 15 minutes of me, Mitch Rapp and a bunch of terrorist motherfuckers that are about to understand why nobody wants to fuck with Mitch Rapp.

10:17 – I discuss with a college buddy (we’ll call him Gene) the merits of double layered rainbow sandals (as opposed to single layered). He has decided to double layer it this time around and would like reassurance. I give him reassurance.

10:20 – College buddy 2 (we’ll call him Denny Crane) reports to me two pretty awesome tidbits about Hines Ward and Jerome Bettis. I am a HUUUUUGE Steelers fan as is Mr. Crane.

10:32 – Gene and I are skipping work on Friday to play golf b/c who doesn’t do that. This also will allow us to get ragingly drunk on Thursday night so we’ve got that going for us. Gene just realizes and notifies me that we have only 14 hours of work left this week. This is a wonderful realization.

10:47 – Denny Crane and I discuss plans for his upcoming bachelor party [I realized later in the day that he was actually talking about his wedding not the bachelor party, but fuck that I'll leave this section in]. Bachelor parties are fantastic. I think ideally bachelor parties would be celebrated every other week for forever even after being married. This would be beneficial to both our wallets and our livers.

10:51 – I realize I have yet to check the lottery numbers for the mega millions drawing last night. 0 numbers right on 2 tickets. Fucking hell man, this game is rigged. Will this deter me from buying 2 tickets for tonight’s Powerball? Fuck and No.

11:05 – The angel of death, I mean, my boss, stops by. This is not good. It looks like the fucking chicken has won this round. Turns out that 0% made a few people uneasy and now I have some crap to do. I will be conducting a literature review (which is, in our industry, secret code for seppuku) until a meeting at 1:30 where I will begin investigating additional empirical analysis (which is more like this).

11:11 – Waiting for this crap to begin I can’t help but hope that it somehow takes til after lunch for the email to arrive in my inbox signaling the end of my life (for today anyways). While I wait I notice this awesome video of Vince Carter dunks.

11:13 – S is excited about his 2-game winning streak in Streak for the Cash. He is fairly certain he will get to 27 and win the million dollars. He claims he has destiny on his side. I am envious of this destiny.

11:19 – Just in case anyone was wondering (I was myself) Gene decided to name himself Gene b/c he is the funniest character in Wet Hot American Summer.

11:21 – I am convinced that my boss (the angel of death - AOD) just likes telling me that I am going to have work to do and then not sending it to me so that I have to sit here dreading the arrival of said work. It’s almost as if the AOD sees my 0% utilization rate and realizes that I’m obviously screwing around and not working and that means I’m likely having “fun” at work and this is unacceptable to the AOD. So now, the AOD must make my life more miserable than it currently is. Fucking AOD. If Mr. Lotto ever decides to pick my numbers I will very much enjoy telling the AOD that I will no longer be shackled by this place.

11:42 – In the midst of waiting for death I’m listening to one of Bill Simmons’ podcasts. These podcasts are great. Email received telling me that our free lunch will be here between 12:30-12:45. Generally I leave my desk to go out and get lunch at noon. The next 45-60 minutes will be pure agony. In addition to AOD’s torturous waiting I now have to do so with an empty growling stomach.

11:45 – Matthew Berry (Simmons’ current guest) asks Simmons “Are you ready for your Fu Manchu?” Apparently he has to grow one if he loses in the playoffs of their fantasy basketball league. That would be awesome. A Fu Manchu is basically what the Silver Spoonman has right now except that mine doesn’t hang down off of my chin.

11:54 – Speaking of podcasts, who the hell has time to listen to all of these? I mean, I have a job where I frequently have free time and even I have fallen way behind on Simmons’ podcasts. You know who has time to listen to them? Fucking Lottery Winners.

11:56 – A coworker, “Iceman”, reports to me that listening to Tiesto with earplugs in and headphones over that really loudly fucks with your senses to the point where you feel like you are tripping balls. I must try this sometime.

12:18 – Holy crapface I am hungry. Losing interest in the fantasy baseball portion of Simmons’ podcast I have now switched to Adam Carolla’s podcast which I have yet to listen to but I hear good things about. Big surprise, I’m still waiting for the AOD to send over this dreaded lit review. It seems as if I may just get my wish of not receiving this email until after lunch time (knocking on my hopefully in some part wooden desk).

12:28 – Just got back from a quick bathroom break. On my walk through the office this time I ran into 4 people. Watching people’s reactions to crazy facial hair is a large part of the fun of having the crazy facial hair. So many people end up looking very uncomfortable; especially in a place where 75% of the people have either zero social interaction skills or are very unfriendly. This trip reminds me that the AOD had absolutely zero reaction when coming by my cubicle earlier to tell me about the work that I’m supposed to get in 3 years.

12:33 – A rather loud boss of mine (whom I’ve had about 60 seconds of interaction with during his time here) has been dubbed “Captain Canada” by some of my peers and is currently telling my next-cube neighbor something that I'm not paying attention to. It probably has to do with hockey, eh. I think all organizations should have a Captain Canada.

12:41 – Frustrated that our food hasn’t arrived yet, another coworker, “Ron”, has just started yelling “we’re gonna have to do it live” repeatedly. Manland’s obsession with the Do It Live video is unparalleled.

12:48 – Warning: Gross. Adam Carolla: “The anus is your center”. He has instructed anyone with an anus that doesn’t hurt on account of hemroids or any other number of related problems should thank god for their current state of comfort. Consider him thanked Mr. Carolla.

12:49 – So I’m going back to my fraternity house in Charlottesville, VA (after the monster truck rally) for a “March Madness of Beer Pong” tournament. I love beer pong very much and this email that was just sent to a number of our alumni is one of the reasons why:

I'm still a free agent, but I'm hoping my performance in this tournament will get the scouts talking and catch some GM's attention. I still have something left in the tank, plus with my new training regimen I feel like I'm coming into the spring in the best shape of my life. So I need to go out and prove that this weekend. I'm going to go out 100%, show that I don't have to take the first contract that comes along. I think I can still play every day and contribute to a contender, and hopefully get to the postseason and get that ring I've been looking for my whole career.

Stamos

12:51 – Man this Carolla podcast is crude and hilarious. Right up my fucking alley. This is my new favorite podcast.

12:57 – Thank god, the free food is here.

1:18 – Lunch break is cut short today b/c of this meeting re: crappy crap at 1:30. At least I feel much better now that my Smokehouse Bacon Triple Cheese Burger is inside of my belly.

1:26 – And what do you know, the meeting has been postponed until TBFuckingD. Back to the break room I goes.

1:30 – Damnit, everyone else is done in the break room. The AOD strikes again. On a better note, I just bet Ron $5 at 1000:1 odds that DePaul (9-23, 0-18) would win the Big East tournament. They are currently up by 2 points in the 2^nd round of the tournament with 10:32 left to play in the 2^nd half. This is a TERRIBLE bet but at 1000:1 odds with only $5 on the line I’ll bet on almost anything. This is probably the same logic (or lack thereof) that causes me to continually purchase lottery tickets.

1:41 – I’m convinced that being told that you will do work and then not knowing when it’s coming only that it’s coming "soon" is like being on death row. Or at least, pretty close. This literature review task has actually been hanging over my head for over a week now. I was first told that I would need to do this on 3/3 at 11:09 am according to my handy dandy outlook inbox that is never emptied (only moved on occasion) and currently holds 3100 well organized emails. Organized by date that is.

1:45 – Pretty much everyone in Manland has bet on 147 points or fewer for this DePaul game. The current score stands at 61-57 with 7:20 left. It’s not looking good for the under but that doesn’t stop S from yelling “Everyone, I want to see your hands up and your bodies low” to which I respond (after throwing up my hands) “My hands are up and I’m low S!” and Ron yells “I want your thighs to burnnnnnnn!”. This is a better than average working environment. But I still hate this job.

1:49 – This mysterious meeting is now being called. T-Minus 5 minutes til Judgment Day. You know, when the machines finally take over, I bet they win the lottery like every time. We don’t have too many more chances for human victories. C’mon lotto, you gotta hit me asap.

1:50 – Ron and S bought into oil indices a while back. Needless to say they are hurting. Ron just declared that he was “buying options live”. Looks like he’s digging deeper into the oil wells today and he's doing it with Bill O'Reilly passion.

1:53 – Off I go to the dungeons of death (also known as the conference room).

*Next hour written retroactively*

1:54-2:02 – Two other people and I await the arrival of the AOD. The AOD rarely shows up for a meeting on time. I guess when you’re the AOD you gotta make sure people know who’s the boss.

2:03 – The AOD finally shows up and wastes no time making everyone feel uncomfortable. The AOD’s social skills show superior levels of ineptitude. Don’t tell me you didn’t recognize my use of alliteration there. Beautiful.

2:37 – After 34 minutes (yes I actually checked my cell phone) of complex and tangential rambling I finally understand what the AOD is trying to get us to do. I swear the AOD calls these meetings just to get people billing and then talks and talks with no clue how to get to the point or even what it is and sometimes never does. That meeting I just had cost the client around 2 G’s. And I’m going to end up netting about $18 of that. FUCK.

2:46 – A quick aside into the personal life of the AOD. The three of us smile and nod and even throw in some “genuine” laughter hopeful that this marks the end of the meeting. NO SUCH LUCK!

2:51 – Meeting over. Jesus Christ that was painful. On the way back to the cube S asks how the meeting went. My response is to simply mime screaming and a 2-finger barreled gun shot through my temple.

*We’re back to doing it live*

2:55 – I learn that DePaul ended up blowing the towering 2-point lead in the last 7:20 and actually lost by 9 points; this means I have lost my aforementioned bet as well as my streak for the cash pick (but so has S, destiny is 0-1 today). I guess that’s why they went 0-18 in the Big East this year. Thankfully Ron owes me $10 so I don’t really have to pay up.

2:59 – Ron and I have proclaimed we will “do it live at 3:05” referring to picking the prop bet at 3:05 for Streak for the Cash. So I pick Colorado’s points per game leader, Dwight Thorne II (if that’s not a future successful NBA player name then I don’t know what is), to score more points than the margin of victory for Texas. This should add interest to an otherwise meaningless game. That is the beauty of streak for the cash.

3:04 – Ron: Wow…working for the AOD is not stressful at all. It’s actually enjoyable and refreshing.

Me: DISAGREE

Manland: muffled laughter

3:13 – Ron: This is really cool. This is awesome actually. This is phenomenal. Starting Friday we’re going to have 6 straight days of snow and rain.

Me: That is not awesome at all.

Ty: I sense an undertone of sarcasm.

S: To be fair, the odds of precipitation on any of those days is never higher than 40%.

Me: Yeah but the odds of sucking are high.

Manland: muffled laughter

3:15 – I have to retroactively post what Gene sent me while I was at the meeting. This is a man that works from home EVERY damned Wednesday. What a great man he is. He also, coincidentally, drinks booze during the workday every Wednesday.

2:24: i just decided that my code was missing a certain quality which can only be found in an 8 year old single malt

3:00: btw, it's working, my code definitely has a nice smokey peat quality to it now

3:28 – So reporting on my current “work” situation. The dreaded lit review is nowhere to be seen. The investigation bs is very unclear (didn’t see that one coming) and Iceman and I decide to not do it live. We will revisit tomorrow morning. So I guess that means I have skirted any remaining Wednesday afternoon responsibility. Fuck and Yes.

3:33 – Gene reports that he will have powered through 5 Simmons podcasts when the workday is over. That is fucking impressive.

3:36 – With 6:26 left in the first half the prop bet is close. DT2 has 7 points and Colorado is down by 9. Shoot the three DT2 shoot the three. Time to get back to the Carolla podcast.

3:54 – I think Carolla spent a good 25 minutes out of the 33 in his first podcast talking about his asshole. That’s just downright amazing. Colorado put together a little run there to close out the half, they’re down 6 points and DT2 has scored 9. Lets go DT2! The creative juices are beginning to dry up here, I might have to go for a few strolls around the office to try and make something happen down the stretch.

3:59 – There’s a rumble going on that is hinting at a possibility for a second meeting with Mr. Rapp and friends. God bless the Smokehouse Bacon Triple Cheese Burger and the fine Chili’s establishment for producing it.

4:07 – Denny Crane poses an interesting question. Of all non-girlfriend (current) women that we knew/know well enough to remember their name, were the most attractive ones women from college or women from post-college. Essentially he’s testing the hypothesis that chicks are more attractive in the 18-22 range than in the 22 and up age.

4:23 – I contest that 22+ is better, Denny disagrees. We’ve decided that our testing environment is not a very controlled one. Denny went on to Law School in the North where, well, not ideal for the eye candy, whereas I went straight from college to a lively area with thousands of 22-30 year old people.

4:29 – Denny Crane has to attend to some work. Something about someone going to jail or some crap. Lame. DT2 has scored 6 points so far in the 2^nd half bringing his total to 15 compared with CU’s defecit of 10. I like it DT2, keep it up. 11 minutes remaining.

4:35 – Gene reflects “I just spent an hour of my life debugging a problem that came down to the fact that I spelled value "vaue"” to which I reply, “at least you were drinking scotch during that hour”. Alcohol wins again. 7:41 remaining, DT2 leads 15-10.

4:37 – Keep in mind this is for a ONE game streak. Streak for the cash is way too fucking hard and so amazingly awesome at creating unnecessary excitement.

4:44 – I’ve just decided that the end of my workday and this diary will commence with the ending of the CU vs. Texas basketball game, you know, in case anyone is still reading and was wondering how long this was going to last. So if you’re still in it, we’ve got about 15-20 minutes worth of writing to go. 5:42 left, 15-9. Looking good.

4:53 – Carolla and guest Dave Dameshek are really laying into Nic Cage. Now I know Mr. Cage has made some pretty bad movies but I remain a loyal fan. I have a man crush on few people and he is one of them. One of the others: the Black Mamba (Mr. Kobe Bryant). 3:43 left, 15-11. C’mon DT2, just a few more minutes.

4:57 – 1:57 left, 15-9. Looking good DT2. Look, if you don’t like Nicolas Cage that’s fine, but don’t tell me he hasn’t made a few awesome movies. The Rock, Leaving Las Vegas, Face-Off? So awesome. If you want to complain about Cage making awful movies down the stretch, you damned well better complain about Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro too because they have made some truly terrible movies lately.

5:03 – We’re going down to the wire here. :39 left, 15-11. Why couldn’t you put the bunny back in the box? Greatest movie line ever? Fuck and No, but pretty close I think.

5:05 – David Thorne II delivers me to the promised land. For my next streak for the cash pick, I’m going with 147 points or more for some random college basketball game solely b/c the majority of people are picking the under and people are dumb. Flawless logic on my part. It’s been a long day. If anyone is still reading this, I commend you and hope you had as much fun reading it as I had writing it.

* I must give credit to Drew Magary (writer for deadspin and ksk) for the “fuck and yes/no” phrase. It’s truly amazing and I use it all the time now but by no means is it my original creation.

-Silver Spoonman