The Fabled Lottery

Dear Mr. Lottery,

Let me just take a moment right now to say I am not pleased with your behavior. I mean, did you know that I have NEVER won your jackpot? Of course you knew, you are all-knowing.

Last night you drew for the mega millions 216 million dollar jackpot. Maybe you weren’t aware of what I did prior to the drawing. I worked hard Mr. Lotto. I bought 15 tickets, spread across two different respectably established 7-11s at three different times. And for what? I’ll tell you what for. For 8 tickets that matched on none of your numbers and 7 tickets that matched on 1 non-mega ball number. For all those lotto virgins out there that may come across this letter, that means I win nothing. Nothing but a strong stench of destitution. This translates to zero progress in my quest for the lazy, lavish, lifestyle that you so graciously provide for a lucky few.

It hurts Lotto. It hurts even more to know that the stupid jackpot winner is from New Jersey. NEW JERSEY!!??!! That place isn’t even real. It’s just a big heap of garbage. Except now that garbage has laid claim to MY winning lottery ticket. This might be it for me and you, Lotto. I keep giving and giving and you keep taking and taking. This is not a symbiotic relationship. So we’re through Lotto. As soon as I buy those tickets for your powerball drawing tonight, we’re through.

Despondently Yours,

Silver Spoonman